Happy New Year 2012! (Another Really Late Post)

Please excuse my morning ugliness. This is New Years morning 2012 and as you can see I just threw on my robe and started making our traditional Niesh Cocas (don't remember how to spell them). Since I was a little kid we have made these "new years cookies" each new years day. They are more like doughnuts. They are traditional Mennonite treats that have been passed down generations. We enjoy them. My mom makes them every year and sticks strictly to the recipe. I have begun to experiment. This year instead of just putting raisins in we added craisins and dried blueberries. We also covered them with a mixture of granulated sugar, powdered sugar, and cinnamon. They turned out wonderful. The batch made so much that I brought a plate around to the ladies I visit teach and some others in the ward. It is such a fun tradition that I plan on continuing. As you can see, for each year of Matthew's life he had been a part of it. He loves to be in the kitchen with his parents.

Here they are in the fryer. They turn on the their own when they are done. It is fun to watch.

The finished product!

This year for new years eve was on Saturday. My family decided to get together and had a fun sleepover on Friday night instead. We all "slept" at my parents house. The kids went to bed late while the rest of us stayed up putting together puzzles and talking. It was fun. Just before going to bed a huge storm came in and some of my siblings went outside with sheets tied to their ankles and hands to ride the wind. It was so fun to watch. I didn't go out because it was FREEZING but it was really fun to watch. I loved doing that as a kid. Jamie again had to work so he didn't get to participate in the fun. We missed him. We at least got to spend a nice evening at home New Years Eve after he got home from work and I got my new year's kiss.

I look forward to this year being a great year. There is a lot to look forward to. Jamie is close to getting his business up and running. Matthew is growing so fast and is speaking more. Maybe if we are blessed this year we will be able to welcome a new little one into our lives, I sure hope so. I am excited to have a wonderful happy 2012!

Merry Christmas 2011 (REALLY LATE POST!)

This year we were supposed to be in Chicago for Christmas however due to the fact that we would have to buy 3 plane tickets this year and we are in the middle of trying to build a business so money was not plentiful enough for a trip this year. We spend Christmas eve at my parent's home. It was a last minute dinner choice of ham and the works. My brother and his family along with Shelby and Joe were there and of course my parents. It was a nice dinner. Jamie was working at the Goldner Hirsch in Park City all through the holidays so sadly we didn't get to have him with us for much of it.


After dinner we all gathered in the family room and did our traditional nativity. Mom broke out her child nativity dress up clothes and we all performed. Jake and Amber were Joseph and Mary and little Isaac was baby Jesus. Jared played the donkey. Dad, Matthew and I were the Kings and little Zack was our camel. It was so much fun to have Matthew old enough for him to understand a little more what Christmas means this year.

I think Matthew looked so cute in his crown and robe.

Mary (Amber) Jesus (Issac) Donkey (Jared) Jake (Joseph)

Our Angel (Shelby)

Our Shepherd (Joe) and his sheep

Matthew played this role with respect. It was almost like he really believed that Isaac was the real baby Jesus.

The kings asking the shepherds where to find baby Jesus

The king (Matthew) giving his gift to baby Jesus.

After the nativity was completed, Nana looked up online where Santa was. The kids got so excited to go home and go to bed so that Santa wouldn't skip by their house. Once we got home I Matthew and I put cookies and milk out for Santa along with carrots for the reindeer. We yelled up the chimney that Matthew was going to bed and that Santa could come now. Matthew went right to bed.

Christmas morning Matthew was pointed to his big present by the fireplace and he wasted no time opening it. He was so excited to see his new train table and played with it all morning.

He couldn't wait for it to be put together to play with it.

Matthew playing with the train set on the floor before the table was put together. He really loved it.

The table all finished

Mommy worked really hard to make this blanket for Matthew just before Christmas. It is a fleece blanket with Lightning McQueen on the front and Thomas the train on the back. He really likes it and sleeps with it every night.

Matthew gave his daddy a new Belgium waffle maker which flips. Daddy has wanted one of these for a while. I gave him a food processor with a blender attachment (sitting behind him on the couch)

We wasted no time using our new presents. The waffles were great.

My mother in law gave me a poached egg pan. I love these. They remind me of Grammy and Grandpa's house. Grandpa would always make the best poached eggs for us grand kids. They turned out good but never as good as Grandpa's poached eggs.

My parents came over after breakfast and played with Matthew a little. He loved showing them his new train table and other toys. It was fun seeing them.

Christmas afternoon Jamie went to work and Matthew and I went to my parents home to enjoy the traditional Christmas spread. We had crackers and meats and the works. I made a really yummy cranberry and jalepeno cream cheese cracker dip.

The dessert table. I brought a couple cream pies. They were eaten up fast.

While I participated in the annual puzzle Matthew had a blast running around with his cousins all over the house.

One of the best parts of the day was talking with Elder Ben via Skype. He looked good and was so positive. I feel like I was just out on the mission. I can't believe it has already been nearly 10 years since I came home. I was never able to talk via Skype with my family. It was great to see Ben. He is doing so well and we are so proud of him.

Later that evening we had the sibling gift exchange. The kids also received their gifts at that time too. They all had a lot of fun and we got some great stuff from our family.

The next day Jamie got to open the gifts from my parents because he was at work during the exchange. It was great because we got to extend Christmas a little longer.

One of the things Matthew loved the most was a train that goes around the Christmas tree. My parents gave it to Matthew as a gift and he was absolutely mesmerized by it. Of course, his parents didn't love it as much because we spent A LOT of time putting it back on the tracks. :)

Momastry

I found this post on Momastry.com I liked it so much I wanted to post it here on my blog so I could always refer back to it when I was having a really rough day with Matthew. I think it really hits the nail on the head.

Every time I’m out with my kids – this seems to happen:

An older woman stops us, puts her hand over her heart and says something like, “Oh- Enjoy every moment. This time goes by so fast.”

Everywhere I go, someone is telling me to seize the moment, raise my awareness, be happy, enjoy every second, etc, etc, etc.

I know that this message is right and good. But as 2011 closes, I have finally allowed myself to admit that it just doesn’t work for me. It bugs me. This CARPE DIEM message makes me paranoid and panicky. Especially during this phase of my life – while I’m raising young kids. Being told, in a million different ways to CARPE DIEM makes me worry that if I’m not in a constant state of intense gratitude and ecstasy, I’m doing something wrong.

I think parenting young children (and old ones, I’ve heard) is a little like climbing Mount Everest. Brave, adventurous souls try it because they’ve heard there’s magic in the climb. They try because they believe that finishing, or even attempting the climb are impressive accomplishments. They try because during the climb, if they allow themselves to pause and lift their eyes and minds from the pain and drudgery, the views are breathtaking. They try because even though it hurts and it’s hard, there are moments that make it worth the hard. These moments are so intense and unique that many people who reach the top start planning, almost immediately, to climb again. Even though any climber will tell you that most of the climb is treacherous, exhausting, killer. That they literally cried most of the way up.

And so I think that if there were people stationed, say, every thirty feet along Mount Everest yelling to the climbers – “ARE YOU ENJOYING YOURSELF!? IF NOT, YOU SHOULD BE! ONE DAY YOU’LL BE SORRY YOU DIDN’T!” TRUST US!! IT’LL BE OVER TOO SOON! CARPE DIEM!” - those well-meaning, nostalgic cheerleaders might be physically thrown from the mountain.

Now. I’m not suggesting that the sweet old ladies who tell me to ENJOY MYSELF be thrown from a mountain. These are wonderful ladies. Monkees, probably. But last week, a woman approached me in the Target line and said the following: “Sugar, I hope you are enjoying this. I loved every single second of parenting my two girls. Every single moment. These days go by so fast.”

At that particular moment, Amma had arranged one of the new bras I was buying on top of her sweater and was sucking a lollipop that she must have found on the ground. She also had three shop-lifted clip-on neon feather stuck in her hair. She looked exactly like a contestant from Toddlers and Tiaras. I couldn’t find Chase anywhere, and Tish was grabbing the pen on the credit card swiper thing WHILE the woman in front of me was trying to use it. And so I just looked at the woman, smiled and said, “Thank you. Yes. Me too. I am enjoying every single moment. Especially this one. Yes. Thank you.”

That’s not exactly what I wanted to say, though.

There was a famous writer who, when asked if he loved writing, replied, “No. but I love having written.” What I wanted to say to this sweet woman was, “Are you sure? Are you sure you don’t mean you love having parented?”

I love having written. And I love having parented. My favorite part of each day is when the kids are put to sleep (to bed) and Craig and I sink into the couch to watch some quality TV, like Celebrity Wife Swap, and congratulate each other on a job well done. Or a job done, at least.

Every time I write a post like this, I get emails suggesting that I’m being negative. I have received this particular message four or five times – G, if you can’t handle the three you have, why do you want a fourth?

That one always stings, and I don’t think it’s quite fair. Parenting is hard. Just like lots of important jobs are hard. Why is it that the second a mother admits that it’s hard, people feel the need to suggest that maybe she’s not doing it right? Or that she certainly shouldn’t add more to her load. Maybe the fact that it’s so hard means she IS doing it right…in her own way…and she happens to be honest.

Craig is a software salesman. It’s a hard job in this economy. And he comes home each day and talks a little bit about how hard it is. And I don’t ever feel the need to suggest that he’s not doing it right, or that he’s negative for noticing that it’s hard, or that maybe he shouldn’t even consider taking on more responsibility. And I doubt anybody comes by his office to make sure he’s ENJOYING HIMSELF. I doubt his boss peeks in his office and says: “This career stuff…it goes by so fast…ARE YOU ENJOYING EVERY MOMENT IN THERE, CRAIG???? CARPE DIEM, CRAIG!”

My point is this. I used to worry that not only was I failing to do a good enough job at parenting, but that I wasn’t enjoying it enough. Double failure. I felt guilty because I wasn’t in parental ecstasy every hour of every day and I wasn’t MAKING THE MOST OF EVERY MOMENT like the mamas in the parenting magazines seemed to be doing. I felt guilty because honestly, I was tired and cranky and ready for the day to be over quite often. And because I knew that one day, I’d wake up and the kids would be gone, and I’d be the old lady in the grocery store with my hand over my heart. Would I be able to say I enjoyed every moment? No.

But the fact remains that I will be that nostalgic lady. I just hope to be one with a clear memory. And here’s what I hope to say to the younger mama gritting her teeth in line:

“It’s helluva hard, isn’t it? You’re a good mom, I can tell. And I like your kids, especially that one peeing in the corner. She’s my favorite. Carry on, warrior. Six hours till bedtime.” And hopefully, every once in a while, I’ll add- “Let me pick up that grocery bill for ya, sister. Go put those kids in the van and pull on up- I’ll have them bring your groceries out.”

Anyway. Clearly, Carpe Diem doesn’t work for me. I can’t even carpe fifteen minutes in a row, so a whole diem is out of the question.

Here’s what does work for me:

There are two different types of time. Chronos time is what we live in. It’s regular time, it’s one minute at a time, it’s staring down the clock till bedtime time, it’s ten excruciating minutes in the Target line time, it’s four screaming minutes in time out time, it’s two hours till daddy gets home time. Chronos is the hard, slow passing time we parents often live in.

Then there’s Kairos time. Kairos is God’s time. It’s time outside of time. It’s metaphysical time. It’s those magical moments in which time stands still. I have a few of those moments each day. And I cherish them.

Like when I actually stop what I’m doing and really look at Tish. I notice how perfectly smooth and brownish her skin is. I notice the perfect curves of her teeny elf mouth and her asianish brown eyes, and I breathe in her soft Tishy smell. In these moments, I see that her mouth is moving but I can’t hear her because all I can think is – This is the first time I’ve really seen Tish all day, and my God – she is so beautiful. Kairos.

Like when I’m stuck in chronos time in the grocery line and I’m haggard and annoyed and angry at the slow check-out clerk. And then I look at my cart and I’m transported out of chronos. And suddenly I notice the piles and piles of healthy food I’ll feed my children to grow their bodies and minds and I remember that most of the world’s mamas would kill for this opportunity. This chance to stand in a grocery line with enough money to pay. And I just stare at my cart. At the abundance. The bounty. Thank you, God. Kairos.

Or when I curl up in my cozy bed with Theo asleep at my feet and Craig asleep by my side and I listen to them both breathing. And for a moment, I think- how did a girl like me get so lucky? To go to bed each night surrounded by this breath, this love, this peace, this warmth? Kairos.

These kairos moments leave as fast as they come- but I mark them. I say the word kairos in my head each time I leave chronos. And at the end of the day, I don’t remember exactly what my kairos moments were, but I remember I had them. And that makes the pain of the daily parenting climb worth it.

If I had a couple Kairos moments during the day, I call it a success.

Carpe a couple of Kairoses a day.

A mother's pain through a child's pain

The last couple weeks have been full of pain for Matthew and therefore me also. I think the pain a mother feels because her child is in pain is about the worst pain you can ever feel. I would much rather go through the physical pain that my child is experiencing than experience the emotional pain of seeing my child hurt.
About two weeks ago Jamie was at school while I was making dinner at home. Matthew loves to help cook with us. We have taught him multiple times that the stove is hot. He has done very well understanding what hot means and not to get too close to it. That night he was sitting on a stool next to me by the stove. He would help me stir the chili and point at the stove and say hot. I let my guard down for a few seconds when I turned my back for a few seconds while I added some water to the chili. All of a sudden I hear Matthew screaming and crying saying hot, hot, hot and holding his left hand out to me. I believe when I picked up the pot he saw the glow of the cook top which has always been obscured by the pot before and was fascinated by it. I grabbed him immediatly, put both hands under cold water until he couldn't handle it any more. I could tell by looking at his hand that it was burnt pretty bad. I took him down to his doctor's office to have it evaluated. He had second degree burns on each of his fingertips. The nurse practitioner applied silvadine cream to the burns and wrapped his hand. He was really calm except for the occasional whimper when he showed me his hand and cried hot. I would run it under cold water again and he woluld be happy again for another 10 minutes or so. Once we put the bandage on he wouldn't stop screaming until I finally put him to bed about an hour later. He was just so mad we had confined his hand. The next day I took the bandage off, put more cream on and bandaids along with a glove. He was MUCH happier that way. He never complained about it again. Each night I would take them off for his bath and replace them after. He walked around looking like Michael Jackson with his one glove for a couple weeks. Once the blisters broke we had to cut the dead skin off. That was horrible. Matthew screamed and cried like he was dying. I felt like such a horrible mother.

Matthew's had at the doctor's office that first night after the burn.

Matthew's hand about 5 days after the burn after we had cut the dead skin off.

Another view of his hand that same day.

After a few days of putting bandaids on his fingers he didn't mind it at all, in fact, he almost enjoyed it. He liked to help. As you can see, he is showing off his bandaid covered hand.

Matthew with his one Michael Jackson glove.

Exactly one week later just before Jamie left for school we were finishing dinner while Matthew played in the living room and hallway with the dogs. Matthew is a very strong and energetic 2 year old. Has a hard time being gentle with other people let alone dogs. Matthew has been pulling Paige's tail (our lab). She was not too happy about it so she growled at him and snapped at him but did not bite. He learned and moved to Toby who is very passive. He was out of my eye shot but I knew he was playing hard with him. All of a sudden we hear a growl and Matthew started crying really hard. I ran in to find him right in front of Toby on the floor clutching his face. Toby had bit him in the face. This was the second time he had been bitten by Toby. The first had been this summer while Matthew and the dogs were outside. Again we didn't see exactly what happened but we believe Matthew was being really rough. He ended up needing some glue above his right eye. This time it seemed somewhat worse. He had two bleeding holes, one on his right cheek and the other on his upper lip. I rushed him to the ER while Jamie went to school to take his Spanish oral exam. I had learned the hard way that Matthew would not stay still for the doctor to do anything. They ended up having to place an IV in order to sedate him. It was really not easy to do but luckily the nurse was good enough to get it the first time after a little fishing. He didn't secure it very well so it nearly came out when they went to access it to administer the medication. His hand looked like a ball of tape when they finally were done securing it. He got 3 stitches in his cheek and two just above his upper lip. While he was sedated we cut the remaining dead skin off of his hand so he could finish healing. He was really funny to see after he came out of the sedation. He was so groggy and out of it. Just as he was almost back to his normal self he vomited all over himself and me. They gave him anti-nausea medication but later that night he vomited 3 more times. He got two baths and three sets of pajamas that night. He woke up about every couple hours and for the first time since he was an infant he fell asleep in our bed for about an hour. I found out later that he had caught a virus at my sister's house. I ended up sick too. That was a really hard night.

Matthew in my arms just as the sedation was wearing off.

This picture shows the mess of his IV. A few of his fingers were even taped down because they were having such a hard time getting it secured they were just taping everywhere they can.

This was just before he vomited.

This is the picture from the first dog bite. The wound is on the nose bridge above his right eye.

This is Toby. This week I have been frantically trying to find him a new home with no small children. I truly believe he is a good dog and was just protecting himself. I believe his previous owner abused him and he learned to bite. Jamie wanted to have him put down the night it happended and I begged him to give Toby another chance, a chance for me to find him a new home. I have hit multiple dead ends this week. I have one more avenue I am still hoping will take him but there is not guarantee. The lady who fostered him before we adopted him we are hoping will take him back. I hope to hear back tomorrow. If she can't we will have to put him down. I don't want to put down a healthy happy dog. I feel like I am killing him needlessly. I pray we can find him a new home so that he can live out the rest of his life happily.

Christmas Festivities

This is the first year that Matthew is somewhat understanding what Christmas is. It has been fun to discover Christmas again through the eyes of a child. He now knows who Santa Claus is, he loves to point out the different people in the nativity scene, he is excited to have Santa bring him a train down the chimney on Christmas morning. I am so excited for Christmas just to see him smile.

My mom started a tradition a few years back of making ginger bread houses with her grandchildren. Last year Matthew had no interest but this year he loved it. We made a house and Santa's sleigh. He loved putting the tree on and decorating it candy.

He was interested in it the whole time. I think he ate a pound of candy.

The finished product.

He loves this little santa hat at my parents house. He is such a cute elf!

Our Christmas Tree. When I got ours out of storage I found an unwelcome guest living in side, a dead mouse! I guess the book was right, not a creature was stiring, not even a mouse. We promptly threw it out and my Mom was nice enough to give us her old one. Thanks Mom!

Happy Thanksgiving 2011

I know this post is a little late but I only get around to updating my blog about once a month. I stole a few pictures from my mom's blog because she is a much better picture-taker than I am. We spent Thanksgiving at my parents house. Everyone is here except my sister Meagan and her family. It was a great meal but even better was being with family. This year I am incredibly thankful for so many things. I am thankful for the miracle of Matthew. After discovering even more fertility issues this year I have come to realize how much of a miracle Matthew is. He is the love of my life. I have learned so much from him and have grown so much by being his mother. I am thankful for my country and the rights that come with living here. I am so thankful for those who have served in the military enabling me to have the country I have. I am thankful for a job that I enjoy. I am thankful for a wonderful home to live in. I am thankful for a great family. I am thankful for my husband. Most of all, I am thankful for my Savior. I would be nothing without His sacrifice.

The whole family

Jamie carved the yummy Turkey. It was great.

What is it with little boys and toilet paper rolls?

We weren't paying close enough attention to Matthew a few weeks ago and found him in the bathroom with all the extra rolls of toilet paper out spread all over the bathroom floor. He was ripping off little pieces and shoving them into the inside of one of the rolls. What is it about toilet paper that makes it so attractive to little boys? I couldn't get mad at him, it was too darn cute. It is times like these that I know I will look back at in the future when Matthew is all grown up and wish I could come back and re-live. I need to enjoy it while I can.